Last night, I was back in school
The recurring nightmare
Yes, it was a nightmare.
I was back in that awful beige skirt, the cream shirt with brown stripes, the maroon tie that never sat right. I could feel the fabric, the discomfort, the way I was always worried about my skirt riding up.
I couldn’t find my ride — an SUV crammed with 20-something kids. Somehow, in my dream, I had relocated to a different home on the same street, and now I didn’t know where to get on board. I was panicking, late, confused. And when I finally made it, 90 minutes late, every cell in my body screamed as I stood in front of the school gates.
I couldn’t believe I had to go through it all over again. It scared me so much that I woke up.
High school, especially ages 13-15, was when my confidence first cracked.
It was the vampire tooth that never fell, the premature gray roots scattered through my hair, the glasses that felt too big for my face. Puberty wasn’t kind to me. And neither was being thrown into a new school after spending my whole life in another, where I had friends, where I was somebody. I didn’t have to prove myself there. I belonged.
But suddenly, I was out of my element.
New people, a different academic system, a different set of rules for what made someone “cool” or “invisible.” I had to start from scratch — socially, academically, emotionally. The loss of that safe space took more from me than it gave. It forced me into a fight I didn’t know how to win.
That was when my migraine started to spiral. The pressure to be better, to catch up, to make up for lost ground compounded until I was constantly fighting myself. And no matter how hard I worked, I still felt like I was failing.
So maybe that nightmare wasn’t just a nightmare.
Maybe it was my brain revisiting all the places where my self-worth took a hit. Maybe it was dragging me back, forcing me to look at that version of myself and see just how much weight she carried.
When I woke up, I realized I am happier now. I wasn’t then.
I am comfortable with myself now. I hadn’t then.
I feel more in control now. I didn’t then.
That nightmare showed me where I’ve been, but more importantly, it reminded me that I’m not there anymore.
Sometimes, it’s easy to get lost in the fear, to let old wounds resurface and mistake them for the present. But if you look closer, you might see what it’s really showing you: that you’re not there anymore. That you’ve moved forward, even when it didn’t feel like it.
And maybe, that’s healing too.
Did you like school?
Shruti.
